jem controlling jem
I've often felt ashamed for being a control freak. Control over my body, how big or small it is, control over health, control over when I speak to someone or not. The list goes on. Why the bad rap on being in control?
How I control
Control for me can get out of hand. If someone treats me disrespectfully, I feel like I need to control the situation. This can mean that I pull away so that they cannot have access to me. This can mean that I test the situation and create a conflict where there may have been none, so that I can kick some ass out of self-righteousness. Like, 'don't you mess with me - I have rights.' It becomes a need to create a situation where I am wronged, so that I can point out that I am being wronged. It becomes mastery over a situation in which I am being mistreated, abused, treated like crap.
If I feel out of control, it can also mean that I put myself in a victim position, a recreation of where I was as a kid, a position that feels familiar and in some really twisted way, comforting.
Pebble pebble
Control for me can be stepping on a pebble with my left foot, and though I've taken several steps past it, needing to return so that I can step on it with my right foot. What is this? My most recent feeling is that it is me feeling at my core something like, 'I need to control this so that nothing bad happens to me.' If I don't step on the pebble twice, I fear that the impulse to step on it will overtake me, will control my thoughts, my mind, until I come back and step on it twice. I'll be ruled by the impulse, it will invade me, I won't be able to go back to the thoughts that make me who I am.
I wasn't able to control all the scary shit that happened to me as a kid - the near death stuff, the parents leaving me alone sick stuff, the parents making me keep quiet and not allowing me to be a person with thoughts and opinions and passions stuff, the parents telling me I was a freak and not much of a person stuff. So, stepping on a pebble twice now means that this stuff won't happen again. (When I did it as a kid, it probably meant 'Maybe I can control what they're doing to me.')
Reality and hopes for now
Plenty of stuff can happen to me. Hopefully I won't ever live under the the type of tyranny and oppression I did as a kid. For now, I have relative control over myself, my life. But still, anything can happen at any time. I want to learn to be more agile, more flexible to handle the hard stuff. I think this would be helpful to me. Now when something 'goes wrong,' it doesn't have to mean that my life is at risk - it did mean this as a kid (if my parents just left me, I could have died). People can persist even though they deal with lots of stuff. I want to learn to be an agile, adaptable person.
jem
How I control
Control for me can get out of hand. If someone treats me disrespectfully, I feel like I need to control the situation. This can mean that I pull away so that they cannot have access to me. This can mean that I test the situation and create a conflict where there may have been none, so that I can kick some ass out of self-righteousness. Like, 'don't you mess with me - I have rights.' It becomes a need to create a situation where I am wronged, so that I can point out that I am being wronged. It becomes mastery over a situation in which I am being mistreated, abused, treated like crap.
If I feel out of control, it can also mean that I put myself in a victim position, a recreation of where I was as a kid, a position that feels familiar and in some really twisted way, comforting.
Pebble pebble
Control for me can be stepping on a pebble with my left foot, and though I've taken several steps past it, needing to return so that I can step on it with my right foot. What is this? My most recent feeling is that it is me feeling at my core something like, 'I need to control this so that nothing bad happens to me.' If I don't step on the pebble twice, I fear that the impulse to step on it will overtake me, will control my thoughts, my mind, until I come back and step on it twice. I'll be ruled by the impulse, it will invade me, I won't be able to go back to the thoughts that make me who I am.
I wasn't able to control all the scary shit that happened to me as a kid - the near death stuff, the parents leaving me alone sick stuff, the parents making me keep quiet and not allowing me to be a person with thoughts and opinions and passions stuff, the parents telling me I was a freak and not much of a person stuff. So, stepping on a pebble twice now means that this stuff won't happen again. (When I did it as a kid, it probably meant 'Maybe I can control what they're doing to me.')
Reality and hopes for now
Plenty of stuff can happen to me. Hopefully I won't ever live under the the type of tyranny and oppression I did as a kid. For now, I have relative control over myself, my life. But still, anything can happen at any time. I want to learn to be more agile, more flexible to handle the hard stuff. I think this would be helpful to me. Now when something 'goes wrong,' it doesn't have to mean that my life is at risk - it did mean this as a kid (if my parents just left me, I could have died). People can persist even though they deal with lots of stuff. I want to learn to be an agile, adaptable person.
jem
posted by jemcollections at 5:21 PM
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