Loving wounded
I'm loving wounded. But I'm loving a memory, and she's loving a someone new. This is nearly unbearable. She's with her now at this exact moment and I'm here knowing it.
A friend told me today that people who are attracted to the chaotic side of love are so because they have learned that pattern from childhood: that love must be gotten from a struggle, or from conflict. Thus, when love is given easily it seems unimpassioned and is unable to hold their attention, and they, the conflict lovers, reject this freely, beautifully given love. When love comes in the form of one who is inacessible, they are all over it.
This rings true for me, and my miserably failed efforts in relationships.
Fair reader, I make the pledge here and now to end this pattern in my life. It is not one that has brought any level of joy to me. To the contrary, it has taken people from me, or made me thoroughly agonized, this inclination has, and I have hurt people when I've meant to do very much the opposite.
I want to trust someone enough to feel safe in life. It will be worth the risk. I want what my friend here in the south has, a safe, mutually respectful connection in which each helps the other. Life with two is happier and more productive than life as one.
This is my pledge: the next person that I love, that loves me back, that is available and sincere, will receive my full openness and warmth. Goddess bless her, she may be washed away with years of damned up emotion. But, I will swim after her - after all I can swim the length of Walden pond - and I will bring her back to me, and tell her she is safe. I will give her something warm to wear and an animal-shaped flotation device for the next time I need to go on out after her.
Forgive me my fixation on self these days. I hope to soon again be consumed by the stupidity and incompetence of the conservative right.
jem
A friend told me today that people who are attracted to the chaotic side of love are so because they have learned that pattern from childhood: that love must be gotten from a struggle, or from conflict. Thus, when love is given easily it seems unimpassioned and is unable to hold their attention, and they, the conflict lovers, reject this freely, beautifully given love. When love comes in the form of one who is inacessible, they are all over it.
This rings true for me, and my miserably failed efforts in relationships.
Fair reader, I make the pledge here and now to end this pattern in my life. It is not one that has brought any level of joy to me. To the contrary, it has taken people from me, or made me thoroughly agonized, this inclination has, and I have hurt people when I've meant to do very much the opposite.
I want to trust someone enough to feel safe in life. It will be worth the risk. I want what my friend here in the south has, a safe, mutually respectful connection in which each helps the other. Life with two is happier and more productive than life as one.
This is my pledge: the next person that I love, that loves me back, that is available and sincere, will receive my full openness and warmth. Goddess bless her, she may be washed away with years of damned up emotion. But, I will swim after her - after all I can swim the length of Walden pond - and I will bring her back to me, and tell her she is safe. I will give her something warm to wear and an animal-shaped flotation device for the next time I need to go on out after her.
Forgive me my fixation on self these days. I hope to soon again be consumed by the stupidity and incompetence of the conservative right.
jem
posted by jemcollections at 11:14 PM
1 Comments:
Here's hoping it's you you find to love first, dear jem. I'll bet you find the next will easily follow. I see good things coming to you, and thank you for being so honest with your audience. You're in good company, I think. And soon you'll be an inspiration to those who are stuck and see no way out.
here's to those of us clinging to animal-shaped floatation devices everwhere.
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