Over uneasy

It's over.

We tried it again for a little bit, and she just couldn't shake my past behaviors. Who can blame her? I was a selfish, self-righteous, egoist, who believed I deserved infinite praise and love - while being a total bastard.

And this is the thing: what is it that makes me feel unloved when someone is loving me so very thoroughly and tenderly? I become forever needy and demanding and test test test, believing that I deserve to be treated better than she treats me.

And I wonder why I've failed in love.

I want to get to the bottom of this. Enough is enough. I've been hurt enough times, and I've hurt enough people. This is the fresh start, the slap on the head that pushes one toward another path. I'm a millimeter along the new path. I'm reading books, I'm working on my anxiety, I'm talking to those wiser than me on this. And I'm feeling the terror that is me alone.

Alone. Quiet. Pursued. Overtaken. Controlled.

I don't want to be alone. Even more, I don't want to feel alone. Even when I am alone. I want alone to feel not alone. Or for alone to be, in the very least, neutral territory, maybe even welcomed territory. I want for silence to not equate terror.

Kindly push some cosmic wisdom my way, would you?

jem