Panic and travel

Panic: What makes me panic most these days is the fear that I have an inability to keep what I want most: a loving partner, cute and sweet, of the earth and of the mind. I did it this time, pushed away a little bit of sun who was offering me everything. Everything. Yet, I panicked about not loving her enough, not being able to give her enough time, or enough of me, feared that these things would hurt her and I would feel loss over it.

What happened: Just that. I kept my distance so well that she became too hurt to be around me.

Distance: I am traveling through several states in the south, and have seen and heard people give themselves over to something they cannot see or feel or touch. They holler, they rhythmize their judgments and confessions, they inspire others to do the same. I don't even know what the point of entry is, what everybody agrees on to call themselves a group. To simply say that you love Jesus? I don't really get it, but it is both intriguing and frightening to see how impassioned they are. This is the most close-up view I've ever had of a cult.

Why: Can't I feel that passionate about something that is real, that is right before me, so sweet and cute, that I can feel and that is smiling sweetly at me? Why can't I holler out her name and ask that she do the same for me and together we'll be our own little fanatical group? What holds me back? Certainly not anything worse than the loss that results when I do hold myself back.

Please: Fortuna, laws of nature, science, teach me to be present and calm, especially, most certainly especially, in the face of someone I love and want to be with.

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