I will be her kind
I used to alternately blame my parents for my chaotic, confusing life, and berate myself for including them in the equation at all. Now, I see their role in my life, in my relationship life to be exact, in a new way.
Here's how it works: mom (a beautiful, wonderful woman) was overwhelmed with the 5 kids, and an alcoholic-ish husband who left her to raise a family alone while he watched hours and hours of television a day. Dad (a man overwhelmed by his own sad past, paralyzed by his own faults and fears) was constantly on the cusp of a violent outburst, but had a desperate need for my mother. My mother was overwhelmed, longing for a different life (for the Montreal of her youth, for a better partner, for less responsibilities), barely unable to keep it all together, prone to yelling outbursts that targeted and paralyzed each of us with fear. Mom was mad at dad for completely ignoring any responsibilities he had to the family, for abandoning her daily to keep it all together all alone. Dad was a zombie at best, a violent, angry, mean-spirited, and hurtful person normally. Mom sometimes showed us love, sometimes not. Dad never did.
A kid automatically gets fucked up from this. A kid learns what love is about from her parents, and associates what she got from them with what it is. A kid, like me, who usually got nothing, often was the object of resentment and violence, who had moments of affection, will grow up to give these things back to those she loves, to her partners.
Until she sees what's happened, figures out how it all happened, and resolves to fix it.
That's where I am folks.
I learned about making hurtful comments to your girlfriend from my parents. I learned about feeling threatened by her closeness (because her closeness might suffocate me with bad things - disrespect, fears of my individuality, jealousy, rage, abuse, all things my parents offered me in a close relationship to them). I learned about giving a few signs of affection, mostly because you were terrified to be all alone in life, because at your core, you felt empty and non-deserving of anything good, and hoped to hell people wouldn't abandon you to feel those things all on your own. I learned that closeness is about sadness, and feeling trapped, and thwarted goals, and a less desirable life, and about bickering, and making the person feel like less in order that you might feel like a bit more.
These things, of course, are horrible. It's not the me that is me. It's the me that I inherited, and that I really have no interest in anymore. I'm willing to do the work. I'm doing the work.
I see glimpses of my future: a me happy, fulfilled, at peace alone. A stronger than ever me. A woman. A woman who is fun and loving and happy and strong. A woman who may choose to be with someone if it feels like a good thing. A woman who will not try to anticipate what her partner wants and then ignore her own feelings in order to meet her partner's desires. A woman who will fulfill her own needs, and in so doing, will be a better partner to her woman. A woman who will love to be with another woman, who will feel gratified and happy by it.
I will be her kind.
jem
Here's how it works: mom (a beautiful, wonderful woman) was overwhelmed with the 5 kids, and an alcoholic-ish husband who left her to raise a family alone while he watched hours and hours of television a day. Dad (a man overwhelmed by his own sad past, paralyzed by his own faults and fears) was constantly on the cusp of a violent outburst, but had a desperate need for my mother. My mother was overwhelmed, longing for a different life (for the Montreal of her youth, for a better partner, for less responsibilities), barely unable to keep it all together, prone to yelling outbursts that targeted and paralyzed each of us with fear. Mom was mad at dad for completely ignoring any responsibilities he had to the family, for abandoning her daily to keep it all together all alone. Dad was a zombie at best, a violent, angry, mean-spirited, and hurtful person normally. Mom sometimes showed us love, sometimes not. Dad never did.
A kid automatically gets fucked up from this. A kid learns what love is about from her parents, and associates what she got from them with what it is. A kid, like me, who usually got nothing, often was the object of resentment and violence, who had moments of affection, will grow up to give these things back to those she loves, to her partners.
Until she sees what's happened, figures out how it all happened, and resolves to fix it.
That's where I am folks.
I learned about making hurtful comments to your girlfriend from my parents. I learned about feeling threatened by her closeness (because her closeness might suffocate me with bad things - disrespect, fears of my individuality, jealousy, rage, abuse, all things my parents offered me in a close relationship to them). I learned about giving a few signs of affection, mostly because you were terrified to be all alone in life, because at your core, you felt empty and non-deserving of anything good, and hoped to hell people wouldn't abandon you to feel those things all on your own. I learned that closeness is about sadness, and feeling trapped, and thwarted goals, and a less desirable life, and about bickering, and making the person feel like less in order that you might feel like a bit more.
These things, of course, are horrible. It's not the me that is me. It's the me that I inherited, and that I really have no interest in anymore. I'm willing to do the work. I'm doing the work.
I see glimpses of my future: a me happy, fulfilled, at peace alone. A stronger than ever me. A woman. A woman who is fun and loving and happy and strong. A woman who may choose to be with someone if it feels like a good thing. A woman who will not try to anticipate what her partner wants and then ignore her own feelings in order to meet her partner's desires. A woman who will fulfill her own needs, and in so doing, will be a better partner to her woman. A woman who will love to be with another woman, who will feel gratified and happy by it.
I will be her kind.
jem
posted by jemcollections at 11:34 PM
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