Relationship reflections: a year+ later

I've been reading some of my previous posts: Wow, regarding my lost relationship of 2005-2006. Since then, dear readers, I dated several more people, saw some familiar patterns emerge, invented some new relationship behaviors.

What I've learned in this time

Indeed, many of my relationship mess-ups have been related to fear of being alone. Hence, I've jumped into something that isn't right, just to avoid feeling the panic of aloneness; or, fear of being squandered, diminished into nothingness, therefore manufacturing conflict in order to avoid the intimacy, that in my mind, equates my disappearing.

Alone/Squandered/Still

I've gained some insights into these fears: fear of being alone is very much connected to my having been left alone as a kid, and therefore put in some quite precarious circumstances. It's all about recognizing this as old fears, and recognizing that I'm not that kid anymore.

Fear of being squandered: well, that diminishes the older I get, the more skilled I get at voicing my needs, desires.

I do still fear being alone. I fear something pursuing me, and successfully overtaking me. But, having made the successful move from Cambridge to Ann Arbor has helped. Moving was one huge-arse fear I had, and, I've seen now that a lot of my fears were not realized. This gives me confidence.

Moral

The bottom line was that I was stagnant for way. too. long. Taking a risk has necessarily made small shifts in me. If you can't make something happen, take action, and let it happen to you. This is a lesson re-learned.

Kisses.

jem