Over uneasy

It's over.

We tried it again for a little bit, and she just couldn't shake my past behaviors. Who can blame her? I was a selfish, self-righteous, egoist, who believed I deserved infinite praise and love - while being a total bastard.

And this is the thing: what is it that makes me feel unloved when someone is loving me so very thoroughly and tenderly? I become forever needy and demanding and test test test, believing that I deserve to be treated better than she treats me.

And I wonder why I've failed in love.

I want to get to the bottom of this. Enough is enough. I've been hurt enough times, and I've hurt enough people. This is the fresh start, the slap on the head that pushes one toward another path. I'm a millimeter along the new path. I'm reading books, I'm working on my anxiety, I'm talking to those wiser than me on this. And I'm feeling the terror that is me alone.

Alone. Quiet. Pursued. Overtaken. Controlled.

I don't want to be alone. Even more, I don't want to feel alone. Even when I am alone. I want alone to feel not alone. Or for alone to be, in the very least, neutral territory, maybe even welcomed territory. I want for silence to not equate terror.

Kindly push some cosmic wisdom my way, would you?

jem

Patterns

Patterns of people, that are geographically based: thus the christian fanaticism of the south. Every other radio station here offers something about Jesus as remedy for anything, everything. People's thoughts and actions are controlled by an obsession that the invisible Jesus has something to say about this moment. These people frighten me very, very much. They are anti-human, they are pro-hysteria. They deny their own human qualities, the ones that make people kind, decent people. What is their fulfillment in life? They seem so miserably vapid.

Patterns of self: chronology and participation, farer reachings, fear and panic, rejection.

Patterns of future: chronology and participation, farer reachings contained in the current safe realm, growth, inclusion, smiles all around.

jem

Loving wounded

I'm loving wounded. But I'm loving a memory, and she's loving a someone new. This is nearly unbearable. She's with her now at this exact moment and I'm here knowing it.

A friend told me today that people who are attracted to the chaotic side of love are so because they have learned that pattern from childhood: that love must be gotten from a struggle, or from conflict. Thus, when love is given easily it seems unimpassioned and is unable to hold their attention, and they, the conflict lovers, reject this freely, beautifully given love. When love comes in the form of one who is inacessible, they are all over it.

This rings true for me, and my miserably failed efforts in relationships.

Fair reader, I make the pledge here and now to end this pattern in my life. It is not one that has brought any level of joy to me. To the contrary, it has taken people from me, or made me thoroughly agonized, this inclination has, and I have hurt people when I've meant to do very much the opposite.

I want to trust someone enough to feel safe in life. It will be worth the risk. I want what my friend here in the south has, a safe, mutually respectful connection in which each helps the other. Life with two is happier and more productive than life as one.

This is my pledge: the next person that I love, that loves me back, that is available and sincere, will receive my full openness and warmth. Goddess bless her, she may be washed away with years of damned up emotion. But, I will swim after her - after all I can swim the length of Walden pond - and I will bring her back to me, and tell her she is safe. I will give her something warm to wear and an animal-shaped flotation device for the next time I need to go on out after her.

Forgive me my fixation on self these days. I hope to soon again be consumed by the stupidity and incompetence of the conservative right.

jem

Panic and travel

Panic: What makes me panic most these days is the fear that I have an inability to keep what I want most: a loving partner, cute and sweet, of the earth and of the mind. I did it this time, pushed away a little bit of sun who was offering me everything. Everything. Yet, I panicked about not loving her enough, not being able to give her enough time, or enough of me, feared that these things would hurt her and I would feel loss over it.

What happened: Just that. I kept my distance so well that she became too hurt to be around me.

Distance: I am traveling through several states in the south, and have seen and heard people give themselves over to something they cannot see or feel or touch. They holler, they rhythmize their judgments and confessions, they inspire others to do the same. I don't even know what the point of entry is, what everybody agrees on to call themselves a group. To simply say that you love Jesus? I don't really get it, but it is both intriguing and frightening to see how impassioned they are. This is the most close-up view I've ever had of a cult.

Why: Can't I feel that passionate about something that is real, that is right before me, so sweet and cute, that I can feel and that is smiling sweetly at me? Why can't I holler out her name and ask that she do the same for me and together we'll be our own little fanatical group? What holds me back? Certainly not anything worse than the loss that results when I do hold myself back.

Please: Fortuna, laws of nature, science, teach me to be present and calm, especially, most certainly especially, in the face of someone I love and want to be with.

jem